Trusting God in the Darkness

Around January 2008, darkness came upon me. I became bitter, angry, impatient, sad, tired, and lacked compassion for anything. Tiredness and anxiety grew worse and worse each day. Pressure was building up and relief was no where in sight.

After speaking to the doctor, I was prescribed medication for depression and general anxiety disorder. Fortunately the anxiety went away, but the depression grew worse. I grew more tired and there would be time that I would stay in bed all day. My days turned into nights and nights into days. I felt useless and had no hope. I was drowning. I hated myself and hated myself for hating myself. I wanted to curl up in a ball and sit in a corner away from everything. I wanted to disappear. I even wanted to die. I know it sounds drastic but I wanted a way out, a relief.

Around March I started coming to Olde Towne Community Church. With my depression full flame I pretty much kept to myself. Deep down inside I knew this church had it together. You could sense it in the worship, sermons, and friendliness of its people. I began attending somewhat regularly, seeking and yearning for God’s help.

Even though I felt like God was a million miles away, it was at this point I realized that I had to let go. I was drowning and I couldn’t save myself. What was happening to me was beyond myself. God needed to be in control.

I need to give God the honor and praise He deserves. God has delivered me form this dark moment in life. The sun has finally come and dried up all the rain!

You want to know what is best about this dark time in my life. God has strengthened me through this time of trial. I have developed perseverance. As I look over my journal entries, notes from pastor’s sermons, and dialogue with Pastor and Ms Sissie, I can see how God was with me the entire time. He never let go of me. He was right there by my side loving me, cultivating me, pruning me, molding me, helping me to become strong and manageable and making me grow in one direction.

You see, I had to let go and let God. When I felt like giving up with no end in sight, I had to put my trust in Him to keep my head above water.

Since then I have given many things to God. Only through trusting Him have I been able to do things which are completely out of my comfort zone. I have realized that there is no growth in the comfort zone. You see when we are in the comfort zone things are fine and dandy and we don’t need God. It is when we step out of the comfort zone that we truly rely on God.

I won’t ever realize the full impact of this seven month darkness but I do know that God is faithful. He loves you even when you don’t love yourself. He never lets you go. I am no where close to being where I need to be spiritually. I am a work in progress. Each and everyday I have to make a conscious decision to Let Go and Let God!

Thank you Olde Towne for helping to restore my hope!

JP